Outwardly pretty, perfect

Glass flower in constant bloom

people shout, people stare

cause the flower to inwardly consume

people cause the flower to die

people cause the flower to cry

gentle glass tears naked to the eye

nobody cares for the flowers tears

nobody cares for the flowers fears

they just care about the perfection it brings

just care about the flowers sweet things

If I let you in

You’d know why I was so scared

My body is dead

My mind not my own

I cant control the feelings

I’m here on my own 

Chained to myself

If I let you in

You’d know all my dreams

About all my fears that haunt me at night

All the times I didn’t ask for help

All my drowning tears

You’d be able to help me fight

If I let you in

If I let you in

You could send your angels 

To watch over me at night

Let me know it was going to be all right

That even though I’m on my own 

I would never be alone

If I let you in

Am having a crazily tough time at the moment, have had to inform work about the “Mental health and eating disorder” due to starting therapy sessions so so I am going to have to get them to be flexiable so that has prompted them to be the “conciencous” employer, so I have had to have one to one meetings, talks to HR, talks to the inhouse councilors and have confidential records made on me that strangely enough friends can see because of their position.

Mum went into hospital today for a major op on her spine and wont be out till Friday (hopefully) Dad is having to take time of work to make sure she eats! I am always scared she is just going to waste away or give up like her mum did, she has gone through the cutting herself stage and I found out last week dad found a suicide note she had written out and put away! It’s hard not to think I am swimming against the current here!

Add to that the usual money problems and complete anti socialness and what have you got??

What is it with eating disorders/ mental health that makes you so isolated? It’s a hard time that your going through and you feel incapable of sharing it with anyone! Friends, Family, Partners. You would think at this time it would be the easiest to spill your guts out and let it all pour out. Apparently it’s all down to the obsessive nature of the beast, throw that in with my dramatic nature and ecentricty and you have a lovely mix. 

I will beat this I guess it will just take time and heartache but once its gone, I can start to live again

A Constant struggle, refusal to eat
Her only desire to feel complete
so cold, so cold, she feels no heat
the bones uncomfortable in her seat

Maybe life was her biggest mistake
Not knowing how much of her life it would take
Not knowing whether she’d survive or break
Shes lonely now her body crumbles and shakes

For only she knows what perfection means
And what it’ll take to reach her dreams
She wastes away, her bones they gleam

But still she tries and tries to preen

for to her she looks not as she seems

I am a big believer in only writing when you have something to say.

 I woke up this morning feeling quite calm and happy wasnt really sure why…. I even just sat in the car for a few mins in the car park this morning enjoying the sun and the bird singing (bare with me here)

Alex (Boyfriend) told me last night he had wrote me a special blog and I would love it, now Alex’s blogs usually have some sort of a moral lesson and are always very profound so I thought cool. Woke up this morning, checked his site and there was nothing, was a little disappointed but thought hey maybe he was working too late.

Got to work, checked my netvibes (strange one stop shop for your websites) and saw a blog was posted called I am in love with Kelly Saunders. I read it and now have a smug grin that I will have for at least a few weeks! It is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done and it is a huge public declaration!

I am a lucky girl to have met someone who is so imaginative and who always makes me smile. He does the billionaire tramp look so well and we compliment each other amazingly. He always does little things that I remember when I am not with him and has lovely soppy cute names he calls me (Nobber) that make me grin.

I am looking forward seeing the world with my travel companion and having many adventures. We always have something to talk about from ahem what should be acceptable toilet habit wise to where Islam came from. I learn something every day with him.                   

Oh and he presses ALL the right buttons

Love you Alex xxxxx

 There are some moments in life that suddenly make everything snap into perspective. 

I started chatting to an old school friend the other day who married off and had a baby (as everyone seems to be doing). He told me that he had been told his son Liam who is two has had a kidney problem since birth and had been constantly on dialysis was going to die. Apparently they could not shift the liquid that kept building up on the poor little guy’s lungs and so my friend was going to pick him up from hospital to take him home to die. 

This broke my heart, especially as I had been feeling sorry for myself as my dog had to put down on Saturday and I am going through a split amongst other things so I felt life hadn’t been treating me fair and to be honest hadn’t really given me too many breaks along the way anyway. Well I felt very humbled by this, how do you compare your problems to that? It doesn’t make my problems go away put it make them more realistic than the great big clouds I had made them into! 

It just doesn’t seem right to me, this poor little boy suffering and dying before he has had chance to live when you have people out there ruining their own lives by choice, throwing away the gift they were given. I have never understood this particular pattern of life, those who seemly don’t deserve it vs those who don’t even get the chance to live it. 

From now on I shall try and count the good things that I have rather than dwell on the bad!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves:
‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.
There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people around you won’t feel insecure.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
We are born to manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically releases others. 

 Nelson Mandela’s inaugural speech

Whatever I try to do ends up upsetting people and I get hurt. I always do this, I suffer in silence or try to keep everyone happy believing I am doing a good thing and then it all blows up in my face.

 Well……. No more. I can’t take the constant beating I am giving myself. I have to stop doing what I think is best for people and do what’s best for me. Let other people worry about what is best for them, otherwise you stand to lose it all.

 I need to….

Stop being manipulated, I have discovered very very recently that people who pretended to care have their own agenda’s. Obviously everyone else is in it for themselves. I cannot stop caring about people it is not in my nature I will just be careful about what I do. I have been bombarded by people telling me how I should feel, coming to the house uninvited to instill their views on me, talking about me behind my back as if I am broken and just need fixing!

I need to not be as trusting, people will use you given the chance.

I need to look after no 1. No one else is going to, they say they will but again really you’ll be no 2.

So then world, bring it on I aint standing for it no more!!!!

Fuck you fuck the world

She would be 5ft 8″ and way 7 1/2 stone her measurements would be 39-18-33 she would look like a freak.

Gi Joe would have a 55 inch cheast and 27 inch biceps, his arms would be as big as his waist!!

 Yet we present our children with these freakish toys that they grow up with, dress up and end up trying to live up to. Should this be our childrens expectation of grown ups?

 Body image is a warped idea created by the world around us and is imprinted at an early age. It is not just a new concept either.  Michelangelo’s david is 500 years old and shows a perfect six pack with a slim waist, but if you look closely you will see that the head and upper part of David are too large for the rest of his body, and his right hand is disproportionatley big. He has been sculpted this way so that when viewed from below he seems the image of perfection.

so to achiveve this image he had to deliberatley distort the image, same with airbrushing “celebs” nowadays.

The average woman in Britain is pear shaped and a size 14-16.

A womans ideal body shape has historically been associated with fecundity. Ancient status of goddesses showed a soft roundness to them, 17th century paintings showed voluptuous curves and plump little cherubs. What we have to remember is we are built a certain way for a certain purpose. The stomach has to have the little roundness (which I have been told quite recently is very appealing to a man) as the belly has to be soft enough to expand during pregnancy, we need curves and a softness about us, let the men do the labour and have the muscles. Obviously don’t end up a fat wobbly heifer either, bit of dignity and self worth please!

Ok so all I have to do is drum this into my rather thick skull when it comes to body image and I shall be cured!!!!

Infatuation

Infatuation is a feeling; real love involves a commitment. Infatuation is just love of emotion. Real love, though, is love of devotion. Only the emotions are affected in infatuation, but in real love both the emotions and the will are involved. Next, a person “falls into” infatuation, but “grows into” real love.  have you ever seen a person who was so beautiful that you thought you’d faint? This is infatuation! It is based totally on physical attraction; often you don’t know much in-depth about the person you so-called love. Thus, infatuation is mostly biological.

Then, infatuation is basically selfish where real love is basically selfless . Infatuation is more interested in satisfying yourself and the “feeling” than it is in the other person. Real love is primarily interested in the other person. It seeks to give instead of receive. Love unselfishly seeks the highest good for the other person. Lastly, infatuation is weakened by time and separation where real love is strengthened by time and separation. This does not mean that there will be no pain in separation. On the contrary, there is great pain in separation if you are truly in love.

Love

Now you know what is infatuation, what is Love

Love is patient. The word translated “patient” means to wait patiently for the fulfillment of expectations. When you have diffculty and that person does not want to come out, if you truly love them, you will not complain and blame them.  You must react to it with patience and understanding. Next, have you ever met someone you liked so much that you wanted to push the relationship and make it progress faster? Sure you have! Love, however, is willing to give a relationship time to grow at a natural pace. It does not push but is willing to wait for the relationship to grow at a rate that is satisfactory to both parties. Love is Kind. Love seeks to encourage and build up others. It respects the feelings and emotions of others..It finds its greatest satisfaction in making others happy.

You can do the following:

1. Give one another things such as gifts and encouragment cards.
2. Compliment one another. Magnify the other party’s strength.
3. Listen to one another. Pay close attention to what each of you has to say and make each other feel that what each says is important.
4. Treat one another special in public. Compliment and encourage one another sincerely in the presence of others.

Love is Not Jealous
Jealousy usually indicates an insecure and immature heart. Love wants the best for others, but jealousy is possessive. Jealous is reflected in the childish statement, “If he is going to talk to her, then he can just forget about me!” Often, one person wants to totally possess the other and to restrict her relationships with others.

Love is Not Brag
Love is not anxious to impress. Often a guy will brag to a girl, trying to impress her so that she will like him. A truly great person, however, does not need to exalt himself! Others will exalt him.

Love is Not Arrogant
Love is not conceited, boastful, cocky, or stuck-up. Love, instead, is humble and has a servant attitude. Sometimes, a guy may come across to a girl with an “I can take you or leave you” attitude. His demeanour implies, “You ought to be thankful that somebody as good as me is dating you.” Of course, this is not love.

Love always covers
This word cover means to pass over in silence, to keep confidential. Love is patient with the faults of others. It doesn’t critcise and broadcast to the world the faults of others. Love is there even when it knows the other is not perfect.

Love always Perseveres
Love always stands its ground and holds out. It will outlast anything. It will even love in the face of unreturned love.Real love will last though all sorts of trials, tribulations and stresses.

Love is Not Provoked
This means that love has a long fuse. It does not become irritated and angry. It is not easily offended. Love does not seek its own This is the heart of love. Love is other-centred rather than self-centred. Love says, “I love you, I want to give to you.” Selfishness says, “I love you, I want you!”

Love does not act unbecomingly
This means that love does not behave disgracefully, dishourably or indecently. It does not embarrass others by its action. It is characterised by tact and sensitivity. This also means that love should have good manners. Be sure to do little things like opening doors for your girl, or offering her your arm when you walk together.

Love is forgiving
Lastly, this is a MUST for a successful love story. If a guy is not willing to forgive and forget when his girlfriend is one hour late, he is not exhibiting love. Love doesn’t hold grudges when it has been wronged. It doesn’t remain resentful. Remember this: Love forgets past failures and sins.

Ok so I have figured out that the best way to move forward is to have a set of clearly definable goals. So in my quest to get to happiness and some sort of contentment with myself these are mine.

1.) sever all ties it’ll be easier in the long run.

2.) see the lovely head doctor

3.) Go away for a while and just be

4.) work on myself as a person, assertiveness, communication

5.) try to get involved more with things I like, maybe even take it as a career.

I’ve had some good advice about taking the time to find out who you are.

I need to let go of the past and accept and come to terms with everything and then hello future

So here I am again……

I am one of those people who tries to do the right thing. I know in my heart I am trying to do the right thing so why does it always go wrong?

 I swear I am being punished.

I am in an important stage of my life. Having just turned 27 I find myself rebuilding my life. My family are up in the North East, not that I would run back to them anyway. Am far to stubborn and proud for that. I am trying to get myself to at least a fairly steady human level. I am far too emotional and probably take everything too seriously.

 I just come out of a four year relationship which is dragging because of ties with the house etc. I am never entirely sure what I am doing. I have people telling me I am doing the wrong thing, people telling me I am doing the right thing. Who knows I am just trying to look after myself.

I always take things too personally. I see things that happen as a personal slant on me. I can’t help it I am really sensitive maybe that is one of those things that I need to work on……. I will add it too the list.

I want someone in my life, I want someone who wants to look after me and take care of me but I guess I can’t do this until I accept myself. Somethings I can’t change, it is my nature to be on the go, to rush about, to be compassionate. I am really not a hard nosed person and I can’t do the rat race, I would get trampled on and lose.

Where do I go from here? I guess to find if there is a god and make peace

 There is always someone telling you what to do

always someone telling you where to go,

will someone tell me how to feel? Will someone tell me how to cope?

Please just tell me it gets easier than this

I get told this all the time, this morning prime example,Me “yeh went to the doctors, he gave me different anti-depressants”J “what? How come, your upbeat and happy, you’re the strongest person I know you don’t need them” Now don’t get me wrong, being a strong woman obviously is helpful when you have moved the length of the country on your own and work in a male orientated business….. But,I DON’T WANT TO BE STRONG 

Not every day, not all the time! It wears me out. I just want to rest in the knowledge that if I take a little time off, I will still be ok, still be looked after. I am sick of fighting, sick of being responsible for everything. (ok maybe this is some of my own control issues there but still). As for being upbeat and happy. Depression as I have come to realise does not mean you go about with a face like a slapped arse all day. I have a good outer image, I come across as confident, happy and optimistic. Inside I just don’t really feel much, I am empty really, this doesn’t mean I don’t laugh at jokes or attempt suicide!! 

I am struggling a little lately to be honest. I need a rest, I need to wind down and let it drop from my shoulders, find out who I am and where I am going….. big questions. I have recently become single which is a bit weird considering I think biologically I am ready to start a family.This is much more difficult than I remember it being. I constantly wonder if I have done the right thing, what will become of me.Also it doesn’t help that he is such a nice guy…… if the break up had been messy and he was horrible I would find it easy to distance myself but as it stands he still wants to support me and still wants me back. I worry that I have made the wrong decision because I do still have feelings for him (we were together 4 years they don’t just turn off)BUT I am worried if I did give it another go I would be miserable again…and there is so much more out there for me. 

There are no easy answers and no one is going to wave a magic wand and make everything go away, and I can’t just cut everyone off and stick my head in the sand. I guess I need to let people in….. really not as easy as it sounds

Now I am just one girl so I can only speak for myself but I think there are some fundamental things to remember if you are after a girl……..All these things have happened to me so I know them to be actual things boys do… 

1. Do not chase a girl through a shopping centre or the street to tell them how pretty they are, it just scares them, your out of breath, panting and look like a weirdo.

2. Girls do not respond to having there private parts grabbed. Boys might like this I don’t know but seriously, do it and expect to have your fingers broken. This is not a display of affection no matter where your from.

3. Do not try and impress a girl with bendy knee dancing, or really any other dancing unless you are Justin Timberlake. Dancing with your mates is cool, then you look like your enjoying yourself rather than an elaborate epileptic mating fit.

 4 Don’t use chat up lines, seriously they don’t work no matter what your mate told you. “is that a ladder in your tights or the stairway to heaven”   “There’s something wrong with my phone, it hasn’t got your number in it”“Hey you, yeh you, lets get it on” and my favourite “I’m gonna have you later on so you may as well be there”  (boys if you are reading this please don’t be writing these down!!) 

5        Don’t send your mates over to do it for you!!  6        Don’t offer her money, a car or a holiday if she will sleep with you!! (for information purposes it was a convertible ford escort and a holiday to
Mexico) 7        Girls will expect you to look at their boobs during a conversation if they are out, I do it too if they are obvious! Just don’t talk only to them, they will not talk back. 

8. If you see a girl and she has not got a stupid grin on her face, don’t shout er love smile” makes you sounds retarded, what if someone died??

9. Don’t talk to your mates about the girl while she is in earshot, “er see her there I’d give her one, she is well fit” “you wanna be looking for a girl like that, slim, attractive I bets shes intellegent too” etc, just cos your not talking to us doesn’t mean we cant hear you.Hopefully these tips will help for the many parties coming up, try not to drink so much your sick on her, that’s not a good move either! 

Seriously though, just be yourself, be honest and say something worth saying! Apparently the first sentence is the most important in deciding to carry on talking to you. Oh and women are not really un-approachable, they are probably just as nervous as you are!! Even a basic, “That’s a really nice dress” is better than a chat up line!!!  

I am sat here having a little cry while writing this blog. I am a girl and I am entitled to do this without explanation…..

I have come to a cross roads in my life and I am scared. I know I have to do something.

I am in a realtionship, engaged to be precise to a lovely man who is funny and rather sweet and I do love him just not in the right way

I find that I don’t miss him when I am not with him, I don’t have any sexual urges towards him he has grown to be like a friend, I am sure he see this differently but that is how I feel. He must deep down know something is wrong.

 I am living my life for someone else, I am with him because I can’t bear the thought of breaking his heart, the upheaval and the pain.  The shunning of my family, the “are you mad” conversations. I know this is cowardly of me but I haven’t got that fire in me that makes me want to do things for my own good, sod everyone else. I find I am more of a don’t rock the boat kind of person.

I never used to be this way I used to follow my heart I was strong willed, stubborn and passionate but after the many mistakes this lead me to make I think I was beaten into submission.

I have been moved or moved from house to house none of them ever becoming a home. I think I crave stability and the feeling of being settled and loved. I don’t want to go out on wild nights out and pick up men, I dont want to go on a year break and go backpacking. I just want to feel that spark, to think about the person I am with incessantly, to have a tingly feeling when I think about them instead of this empty space that I feel now.

I am 26 years old and my life consists of, sleep, work, telly and food!!! I dont want to get to 60 and think “god what was I playing at in my 20’s”  I want to feel the burn of truly loving someone not just making do. I want some suprises, that show that I am special and that someone is willing to do these things as I would for them

I have been away to 3 different places in my life, tenerife, spain and chicago, thats it. Not because I dont want to travel, it just doesn’t seem to come up.

 Now all my life I have settled for things, done things for the good of other people but recently someone has made me realise that there is more to life, that I have passion living in me and this person has re-ignited it, whether this person wants me or not or whatever their feelings they have made me realise I am hiding myself away that I have so much to give and things to experience.

I know it is not as though I am battling a disease or homeless or any other number or terrible things right now but it doesn’t make what I am feeling any easier. Not everything in life has to be extreme to provoke these feelings, I know I have been through my fair share

Do I break through the hum drum comfort zone and take a chance on feelings rather than my head or do I stay with my head and regret it for ever as my heart slowly turns to stone? Fear of the unknown I think is probably the greatest fear of them all.

Had a really lovely couple of days so to be honest couldn’t get motivated to write anything down!  My ponderings over the last week or so seem to be about the archetypical “normal person.” Who is this person we are modelled against? Why do doctors and the like feel that they have some sort of god power to compare and then ultimately judge us based on research? 

The reason I have been thinking this is I have a strong suspicion I am not normal. Strange as it sounds I think I am fairly happy about this?! Some days I strive to be normal hoping it will fill the strange little void in my being. Will I ever feel complete? What is it that is lacking? Or is the whole point of this the journey to become whole and never really getting there? Everybody unless so narcissistic they are blinded by their perfection, feels the need to change, or the need to conform to certain ideals in order to be accepted. If everyone is on this journey then who is left to tell us we have arrived? 

I being pre disposed to the old eating disorder thing and tend to try to validate myself through eating. It used to be “if I can be skinnier people will like me” now it is more “I have control over something in my life”Now the problem I have with this is that the doctors can’t fit me into a pigeon hole and so can’t treat me. I am not bulimic as I don’t binge but I do purge and I am not anorexic because I do eat. So I am EDNOS, eating disorder not otherwise specified. Brilliant I can’t even be specified!! Just the name kinda makes you feel in some sort of limbo. Generally the questions asked are,“do you feel suicidal?”“do you want to kill yourself?”“do you think about self harming?”Erm excuse me are these not all the same vein of questions? I am not some 12 year old emo kid that is doing this for a laugh and some scary looking scars!!I have been this way in varying degrees for the last 16 years! It is probably more habit than anything else, but heaven forbid you try to input and steer these doctors in the a different direction. “right then anti depressants for you” seems to be the mantra of the doctors I see.Well ok but what then? I have lost faith in the doctors, I am about to embark on a little self help. I have tried this before but obviously no success. I am hoping that if I can find what’s missing in me and fix that then I won’t need this crutch to fall back on and I will be brave enough to let it go. I could be going about this all the wrong way but hell it’s worth a try.  The problem with having this sort of thing is that it tends to kill you from the inside, it’s not as though my eyes bleed or my nose has fallen off. To be honest that would probably deter me! It’s hard to worry about something you can’t see.Obviously without being the stereotypical sufferer it is quite hard to see from the outside for others too, unless you watch me specifically around food you will not see my mood change, I don’t look like a skeleton and my hair hasn’t fallen out. That’s more of a media picture than reality.Everyone deals with problems differently and uses something to plug that whole I just really need to find something else!!! Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine.“Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me“

I have been inspired to right down my feelings, by an amazing man.I doubt I have anything of any use or any substance to say but I think this is meant to be more for me than you. Well usually my life is fairly humdrum, save for the strange and damn right weird things that pepper my day. I generally follow the same pattern as many, get up, go to work, come home, have tea and then bed…..Not very inspiring I know but I can think of many people that if they break it down follow this same pattern. 

You get caught in a cycle and then get more and more frustrated about the web of your own doing that you seem to be trapped on without the courage to break free! Now I am not the most courageous person in the world and maybe after all the trials of my life I am scared to rock the boat anymore. Is there a happy medium between feeling fulfilled and completely fumbling in the dark?  I would class myself as a fragile soul, despite the northern hardened exterior decorated by the body art I like to hide behind and the image that I portray to the uneducated as a cold sterile person. When I am looking straight forward striding on this is not a sign of confidence or arrogance, this is because I can’t meet peoples eye, when I seemingly ignore people, I am just in a world of my own where everything is calm and I am not judged. I hole myself up the little bubble I have created for fear of rejection and confrontation, still to this day if someone shouts at me I will cry and revert back to the childhood stutter. I feel I need this bubble to stop me from going mad, the bubble protects me from the outside world, I would take it’s pain on my shoulders and cry for it and I am not sure I would get through that. 

I try to deal with people with a business like demeanour as this keeps them at arms length but inside I just want to reach out to all the people who are hurting and all the lost and confused but I find that I am naïve and reach out to the wrong people who just want to hurt you. I still feel very much like the bird that has been caught and put into a cage for others to watch, comment and pass judgement on.  Whilst at school I was somewhat of an outcast, quiet, academic and really spoke more to the teachers than other kids, this does not a popular person make and so I was subjected to the usual beating down that affects many people at a time when they need the most nurturing, when they are growing and discovering themselves. I blended into the shadows at school and due to my nature took everything to heart, believed what I was told, both at home and at school and believed myself to be worth very little. I then took some bad paths in life all attached to my quest to be loved, to be told, hey you’ve done ok. My family is very competitive and my mum, in her mind felt that her pitting us against each other made us work harder and was therefore helping us achieve our potential, in reality it just made me feel unworthy and that I never quite got there no matter what I did. 

The first time I remember my mum telling me she loved me was on my wedding day at 21 (another ill advised decision on my quest to be protected and loved) since then I have to admit she has been a little more forthcoming with these words but I guess now they are just words said at the end of a phone conversation (which I always initiate my mum has called me twice in my life).This is a very small part of my life I have gone through many hurdles along the way and there is that question that begs to be asked, would I go back and change anything. Well if I did would I still be the same person I am today? I am not going through everything from when I left home at 16 to the present day as this is not a sob story.  I met an amazing person recently and it is he who has restored my faith in humanity, that not everyone is out to exploit me. I feel I can let my true self shine through, he will not judge me, he can see somehow through the exterior to all the things I hide inside and is encouraging me to let them out, to be the compassionate caring person I am, that it is not a fault that should be beaten into submission. He is the most caring person I have ever met and would stop to help anyone, would give his last penny to a stranger. It means I am not defective!!! Even if he does call me nobber x I have got to admit this writing things down thing is underrated.